Cheer up and dry your damp eyes and inform me when it rains
And I’ll mix up that rainbow above you and shoot it via your veins
‘Trigger your coronary heart has an absence of color and we should always’ve identified
That we’d develop up eventually ‘Trigger we wasted all our free time alone

– ‘Rainbow Veins’ by Owl Metropolis


A fast replace.  These days I’ve been pondering as soon as once more about whether or not I could also be on the autism spectrum. A classmate not too long ago confided to me that she was not too long ago recognized with autism, and I see lots of similarities in us/ in the best way we work together. So lots of the feminine options match so nicely with my experiences, although I wouldn’t say I’ve any of the stereotypical behaviours often seen in autism. It will clarify A LOT, although I’m not 100% satisfied. Both manner, I very a lot doubt I’d be allowed to be re-tested once more (after having been assessed for autism twice beforehand). Typically I simply really feel like some weird Aspie-Neurotypical hybrid who can’t relate to anybody. Even when I may very well be assessed once more, I’m undecided the outcomes could be any extra conclusive than they have been the final time.

The factor is, I often solely are inclined to marvel if I’m autistic after I’m depressed. I’m undecided if I’m depressed as a result of my social abilities are so poor or if my social abilities are so poor as a result of I’m depressed. I’m a multitude recently. I’m crying myself to sleep, getting little or no sleep, and binge consuming. I really feel like I don’t belong on my course as a result of all of my classmates appear to have insightful and fascinating views and data to share, and I’ve nothing clever to say. I can’t focus and I can’t suppose straight. My future appears pretty hopeless. And I do know it’s ridiculous as a result of on paper, my life seems nice. However I really feel so hole and ineffective. Melancholy 1 – Gemma zero.

I’d say melancholy is certainly my greatest downside today. It’s not that nervousness doesn’t nonetheless make life extraordinarily troublesome a lot of the time; it’s simply that I appear to be higher at coping with that than with melancholy. I imply, I’ve definitely been a multitude at occasions throughout my course with nervousness, particularly earlier than the shows (actually, that was most likely the worst my nervousness has been in years), however a minimum of that was shorter-lived. I’m solely mildly-moderately depressed proper now, and this has solely been happening for about four weeks now, however I can’t take it. I’m sitting right here penning this at 1am after I must be up at 6 as a result of I saved crying for two hours and couldn’t sleep. And that is higher than mendacity alone at nighttime with nothing to distract me from my ideas. You can’t comprehend how a lot I hate myself. I all the time do however I hate myself much more intensely proper now. I can’t stand myself. And I’m satisfied that everybody else hates me too. Only for current.

I used to be messaging the classmate I discussed above the opposite day about psychological well being associated stuff, and she or he advised that I’m most likely nonetheless experiencing these intense emotions of self-hatred due to the bullying and different stuff that occurred to me after I was youthful. I believe she’s spot on. The primary downside with this although, and I can’t bear in mind if I discussed this earlier than, is that CMHT have successfully deserted me. They gained’t permit me to be referred again to them, as I found a yr and a bit in the past after I was going via a tough patch and went to my GP to see about being referred again. That is superb with me as a result of fairly frankly CMHT did f*** all to assist me within the 2 years or in order that I attended their appointments. However I really feel that in the event that they aren’t going to assist me, they need to on the very least level me within the route of someplace that CAN. I requested the GP, “Effectively what occurs if I grow to be suicidal once more then?” Her reply: “Effectively you may get in contact with us and see what we are able to do”. Oh, you imply like inform me my psychological well being issues are as a result of me being pathetic and never simply getting over it (and on one event very reluctantly prescribing me an SSRI) such as you’ve achieved nearly each single time I’ve been about one thing psychological well being associated earlier than? I can’t wait! It’s no marvel so many individuals completely lose religion within the psychological well being providers on this nation. They’re a shame. Are you able to think about if we handled bodily well being issues in the identical manner?

Affected person: “I’ve found a lump and I’m nervous it’s most cancers”

Well being providers: “Okay, nicely we’ll put you on the ready checklist however it’s wanting like about 13 weeks or extra in the intervening time”

Affected person: “…However I’m nervous it’s most cancers. It may get much more critical if I wait that lengthy to see somebody.”

Well being providers: “Effectively sadly that’s all I can give you. *Palms the affected person a leaflet on making more healthy life-style modifications*

Affected person: “I’ve acquired a coronary heart situation and I’d prefer to see a specialist”

Well being providers: “It truly seems like we had appointments with you over the course of two years a couple of years in the past, so I don’t suppose there’s anything we are able to do that will help you”.

Affected person: “Sure however it’s getting worse. I had a coronary heart assault final month”.

Well being providers: “Effectively until you’re having a coronary heart assault in the intervening time I’m afraid we are able to’t show you how to. I’m certain you’ve realized sufficient by now that you may handle by yourself”.


A counsellor at my college not too long ago made me conscious of a personal remedy apply that accepts donations, and I’ve been placed on the ready checklist, however they solely do speaking remedy there. Whereas it helps me barely within the short-term, it doesn’t change something as a result of it doesn’t get to the core of my issues. I’ll give it a go, however it appears that evidently until you’ll be able to afford upwards of £75 an hour for personal CBT/ psychotherapy, the assistance on the market isn’t nice. And who CAN afford £75 per session? Even when I managed to get a job in ecology/ conservation sector after graduating and saved up for few years, I’d most likely nonetheless be struggling to afford the variety of appointments that I’d have to make actual progress. It’s not precisely a sector you go into to make some huge cash. However what enrages me all of the extra is that people who find themselves long-term unemployed as a result of psychological well being issues would NEVER have the ability to afford this. The system fails those that want it probably the most.

I don’t know the place I’m going with this submit. I suppose I simply wanted to vent and to get a few of these ideas out of my thoughts. I ought to most likely go to mattress now.


Me strolling into my 9am tomorrow

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